What to do with myself?

I’m having a day, you guys.  All seventeen-year-old girls want approval, right?  Do most of them need it the way that I do?  I mean, are there other girls who would react the way I did to my mother’s comments about my hair?  I feel a little ridiculous being this upset.  The conversation went like this:

Mom: [looking through my senior pictures] I mean, these are nice. [pause] I think you need to do something with your hair.  It’s not very feminine.

Me: Mom, I’m not straightening it or cutting it short.  I like it the way it is, and you know that.

Mom: [sigh] Katy… You know Ms. Dineyli from church?  You’ve seen her and her sister side by side.  Now, her sister’s obviously the prettier of the two by far.  The thing is, Dineyli actually isn’t unattractive.  It’s just that she has that frizzy hair that makes her look tacky, not very well put together.  I look at her, then I look you and your hair. [grimace]

Me: MOM.  My hair is absolutely fine.  It doesn’t even look like hers.

Mom: Katy, it’s not that much better.

~~~~

Yes, I’m sorry, I get really sensitive about things like this.  She always, always, ALWAYS has something to say about me, the way I look, my personality, my friends…  Literally, I get daily compliments on my hair.  “Your curls are GORGEOUS!” “People pay serious money for hair like that.  Don’t ever cut or straighten it.”  But then there’s my mom!  Other people can say the nicest things about me, that I’m smart, pretty, interesting, funny…she’ll say I’m lazy, stubborn, insensitive, antisocial, and that I need to take my antidepressants/ADD meds before she’ll be willing to talk to me.  She constantly talks about how I’ll never make it in the “real world.”

So, yeah… 😦 I’m crying right now, and I really can’t help it.  I don’t mean to be dramatic, I really don’t!  I’m just not happy with myself, and nobody else sees it.  Here I am, struggling with bulimia and anxiety disorder and depression, and I have to keep quiet about it.  Nobody thinks I’m trying my hardest.  When I have my “days,” everyone in my family thinks I’m fishing for attention.  Just now, my younger sister Lauren said, “Katy, you know you’re fine.  You’re being rude and dramatic, and you’re making a big deal out of nothing, like you always do.”  Lauren’s so no-nonsense.  She doesn’t cry or have panic attacks the way that I do.  I can’t tell her that I’ve been making myself throw up.  I’m afraid she won’t believe me.  Nobody in my house will, and they won’t take me to a therapist.  I don’t know what to do.

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One thought on “What to do with myself?

  1. Hey. It’s okay to freak out about that. Especially when it comes from your mum who you know holds your best interests at heart and therefore whose criticism hurts more. I’ve had that kind of thing both from my mum and my boyfriend! Sometimes jokey, sometimes just not paying attention to how much it really hurts. But it’s okay to cry sometimes. The likelihood is that you’ll feel better soon and wonder why you’re crying, but while it’s happening, it’s a real and deep hurt.
    But honestly? God loves you and to Him your face is the most beautiful thing in the world… AND your hair. He made it like that for a purpose didn’t he? (And let’s face it, curly hair is THE BEST. Seeing as yours is pretty similar to mine!!) YOU HAVE NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYBODY. It doesn’t matter if people think you’re the ugliest person around. You are beautiful.
    Okay, I know it’s easy to just SAY that. I still freak out about wearing glasses (I’m practically blind and contacts are expensive) more or less every day because I think they make me look hideous and because so many people have commented saying how pretty I am WITHOUT THEM. But I wear them nonetheless – partly because I have to and partly in a spirit of penance.
    Hugs. Also, thanks for sharing your post on chastity and confession – may re-blog it at some point. You’re so brave. And I want to say that I have been there too. You’re not alone. The power of confession is the only reason I am living a pure life right now. Xxx

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