I don’t know how to Tuesday. I’m tired. I left my phone at school. Tuesdays, man. No. I don’t know that I have anything important or inspiring to say today, but I thought I should post anyway. I’ve been journaling … Continue reading
I feel ambivalent about everything these days. Just unsure of myself, I guess. These last few weeks at Mass, I’ve just had this burden on my chest, this overwhelming feeling of unworthiness. It physically hurts. I don’t feel like I’m good enough for Your love, Jesus. I feel like I’m just letting you down, like my sins are going to eat away at my faith little by little. It’s terrifying, Lord. I need Your love so much it hurts.
I don’t know what You have waiting for me. I know I’m not supposed to worry about tomorrow, but it’s hard not to worry when everyone around me is moving in such a blur, getting ready for their futures, making plans, writing application essays, seemingly so ready for real life. I don’t know whether I’m ready for what’s to come, Jesus, nor do I know what’s coming. I hope I’m making the right choices, heading in the direction You’re pointing me. Life’s overwhelming me right now, and I need to cling to You.
Lord, what am I supposed to do about the guy? He’s sweet, he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s cute, he likes me. I worry that I’m blinded by all the good and failing to see the bad. Is he pulling me from my faith? The conversations we’ve had, the photos I’ve sent (nothing risque, but not quite modest either). He knows about my faith, he knows about my chastity. He supports it. He’s Jewish, but not too serious about his religion. He’s older than me and he lives far away. He always makes me smile, and I love our Skype calls and his bad puns and pet names. I’m just so confused right now, and I don’t know what I’m doing. I really like him, but I firmly believe that “a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.” I don’t want to do that, Jesus. I want to listen to Your voice in every area of my life. I can’t give You my full heart while looking for Your loopholes. That’s not who I am, and that’s not who You created me to be.
Jesus, You know that all this is just the beginning of my worries right now, just the tip of the iceberg. I’m just begging for Your help at this point because I fear I’ve lost all direction. Make me humble, Lord, but at the same time, help me to see the good and beautiful in me so I don’t have to rely on boys for validation of my own worth. Please stay with me and help me to listen to Your voice among the crowd. I trust You to lead me home.
“That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.”
- Lay Your Burdens Down (everydayseekingtruth.wordpress.com)
Well, I’m not in any kind of glamorous place right now. I’m sitting on the cold floor tiles in my mom’s bathroom, neck bent over the toilet. I’m not proud of what I do, really, I’m not. I just don’t know how to stop. In the last year and a half, I’ve lost about 25 pounds, and everyone’s constantly telling me, “You look great!” “You’ve gotten so slim.” “You have an excellent figure.”
Recently, I’ve felt prettier and better about myself than I’ve ever felt in my life. Some guys from my middle school have messaged me, told me I’m gorgeous. These are guys who would have never given me the time of day back when I was awkward with braces and glasses and chubby cheeks. It’s flattering, of course.
But then, there are moments like this, when I’m slumped over the toilet, teary-eyed and forcing myself to throw up everything I’ve eaten. In moments like this, I don’t feel so pretty. I feel repulsive and ashamed and sinful and alone.
I need you, Jesus. So much. You love me, I know, and You hate to see me doing this to myself. Lord, please help me to get better.
Oh, no, Lord, I’m doing it again.
That thing where I put way too much stock into what other people think of me and feel like nothing I do is good enough. I’m doing that thing where I look for validation from guys so that I don’t feel hollow and microscopic. It’s so stupid and shallow. I just want to be told I’m pretty and smart and interesting and sweet and worth something, if only to one person. Posting too many Facebook statuses, counting my comments and likes and most of all, just WAITING for this guy to message me back. Lately, everything just hurts.
I just feel tired. Emotionally exhausted, like I’m incapable of feeling good simply because I’m me, a child of God. That’s not good. That’s why I have problems with bulimia and hair-pulling and anxiety and all that fun stuff. Why can’t I love myself? Is it not enough that Jesus Christ Himself told me I was worth dying for?
Living for validation from others is exhausting and actually heartbreaking because IT NEVER WORKS. The thing is, there are soooooo many people to please, and frankly, there’s only so much Katy. I’m one small person, but I have to remember that I’m good enough to do whatever my God is asking of me. I think that matters a whole lot more than whether this one guy thinks I’m worth replying to.