Oh, no, Lord, I’m doing it again.
That thing where I put way too much stock into what other people think of me and feel like nothing I do is good enough. I’m doing that thing where I look for validation from guys so that I don’t feel hollow and microscopic. It’s so stupid and shallow. I just want to be told I’m pretty and smart and interesting and sweet and worth something, if only to one person. Posting too many Facebook statuses, counting my comments and likes and most of all, just WAITING for this guy to message me back. Lately, everything just hurts.
I just feel tired. Emotionally exhausted, like I’m incapable of feeling good simply because I’m me, a child of God. That’s not good. That’s why I have problems with bulimia and hair-pulling and anxiety and all that fun stuff. Why can’t I love myself? Is it not enough that Jesus Christ Himself told me I was worth dying for?
Living for validation from others is exhausting and actually heartbreaking because IT NEVER WORKS. The thing is, there are soooooo many people to please, and frankly, there’s only so much Katy. I’m one small person, but I have to remember that I’m good enough to do whatever my God is asking of me. I think that matters a whole lot more than whether this one guy thinks I’m worth replying to.