I’m really hoping not to fall into my usual winter slump this year. If I take a look at my lowest lows, they’ve actually all been during the cold months, like the winter of eighth grade. My thirteenth autumn/winter, after all, was the nadir of my life. I can’t even remember much of it, I was so jaded. I do remember that it spanned about two months, and everything was a bitter disappointment. I tried so hard to give myself things to look forward to, like my town’s fall festival and the Renaissance Festival, both things I’d loved so ardently in the past. Those events came, failed to live up to my expectations, then left me feeling even more empty and hopeless. I was painfully numb to everything, and everything just added to my lethargy. When spring finally arrived and reinvigorated me, I came to terms with the fact that winter just isn’t my season; I have Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and as autumn draws near each year, I anticipate the wave of depression. I’ve bypassed it a few times, like in my freshman year of high school, when I found faith and youth group and my church family. I was doing things with youth group, like, three times a week, and at that point I still had regular visitation with my dad. I really didn’t have enough idle time to be depressed that year, and I think I convinced myself that from that point on, every winter would follow suit. Needless to say, senior year debunked my theory pretty hard. My faith in God took a nosedive, along with my weight and vital signs, during those two months in rehab.
I don’t expect this winter to be as difficult as last, but it’s already presenting its own challenges, in the forms of loneliness, freshman seminar and a particular member of the male sex. Loneliness is a very big part of the problem, though. I don’t really know anyone at school, except for Erin, whom I barely see, and the group of guys who carry my books because they think they can get me in the sack. Relying on family isn’t much an option either: Mommom’s dead, Dad moved to California with his girlfriend, and Lauren, my sister and usual #1 confidante, is occupied with her high school social life and her boyfriend. To say I’m all alone would be a lie and a horrible slight on the incredible, Godsent people who love and care for me, but I do feel alone.
I can feel myself slowly falling back into old habits of insecurity, like wearing not-so-modest clothing to attract male attention and skipping meals. I’ve been repeatedly missing one of my morning classes, and I’m probably failing at this point. I’ve let John compromise my modesty in small ways. I’m doing these things that make me hate myself, and I already know where they lead. Lately I’ve been praying the Rosary, though, and I believe that the grace will help me and those around me. I’ve never been “good” at praying the Rosary, but I’m working on it. If any of you guys need prayers, please, please let me know. Any motivation I have to pray is a blessing.