Purify My Heart

I’ve got my Rosary out, and I’m ready to pray a few decades for John’s conversion of heart.

I really don’t have enough faith in my own prayers, and I just keep trying to remind myself that when I doubt my prayers, I’m doubting Jesus’s mercy and willingness to help me.  I know that whenever my prayers seem to go unanswered, God just has something better in mind, but it can be scary having to accept “no” for an answer, even if God is offering something greater.  Also, it can be so difficult to accept that some things take time, though I try to remember that God’s timing is always perfect.

Jesus, life’s disappointments have left me disillusioned, jaded and cynical.  I guess you get to a place where you tell yourself you don’t believe in miracles, knowing that deep down you desperately want to be proven wrong.   Lord, grant me childlike faith.  Cleanse me of my doubt, that my heart may look to You for every answer.  I know You’re listening, and I know that You, who conquered sin and death, will answer my prayers and likewise conquer the binds of sin and lust on John’s heart.  You alone will fill the void he’s tried to fill with sex and earthly pleasures.  I know You can do these things, O Jesus, because You’ve already done them for me.

Before I go to bed, I want to share my chastity prayers with you guys.  I say them every night, and they’ve helped me to fight temptations for nearly four years.  The first is the Prayer of St. Thomas Aquinas, whose purity was challenged immensely when his father and brothers tried to tempt him with a prostitute:

Dear Jesus, I know that every perfect gift,
and especially that of chastity,
depends on the power of Your providence.
Without You a mere creature can do nothing.
Therefore, I beg You to defend by Your grace
the chastity and purity of my body and soul.
And if I have ever imagined or felt anything
that could stain my chastity and purity,
blot it out, Supreme Lord of my powers,
that I may advance with a pure heart in Your love and service,
offering myself on the most pure altar of Your divinity
all the days of my life. Amen.

And the Prayer to St. Thomas Aquinas for Purity:

Chosen lily of innocence, pure St. Thomas,
who kept chaste the robe of baptism
and became an angel in the flesh after being girded by two angels,
I implore you to commend me to Jesus, the Spotless Lamb,
and to Mary, the Queen of Virgins.
Gentle protector of my purity, ask them that I,
who wear the holy sign of your victory over the flesh,
may also share your purity,
and after imitating you on earth
may at last come to be crowned with you among the angels. Amen.

Goodnight, my wonderfull followers!  If you ever need prayers, advice or anything else, I’m always here.

thelightiswhite♥       6990194415_7bff921f1e_b

Burdens

hands of christDear Jesus,

I feel ambivalent about everything these days.  Just unsure of myself, I guess.  These last few weeks at Mass, I’ve just had this burden on my chest, this overwhelming feeling of unworthiness.  It physically hurts.  I don’t feel like I’m good enough for Your love, Jesus.  I feel like I’m just letting you down, like my sins are going to eat away at my faith little by little.  It’s terrifying, Lord.  I need Your love so much it hurts.

I don’t know what You have waiting for me.  I know I’m not supposed to worry about tomorrow, but it’s hard not to worry when everyone around me is moving in such a blur, getting ready for their futures, making plans, writing application essays, seemingly so ready for real life.  I don’t know whether I’m ready for what’s to come, Jesus, nor do I know what’s coming.  I hope I’m making the right choices, heading in the direction You’re pointing me.  Life’s overwhelming me right now, and I need to cling to You.

Lord, what am I supposed to do about the guy?  He’s sweet, he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s cute, he likes me.  I worry that I’m blinded by all the good and failing to see the bad.  Is he pulling me from my faith?  The conversations we’ve had, the photos I’ve sent (nothing risque, but not quite modest either).  He knows about my faith, he knows about my chastity.  He supports it.  He’s Jewish, but not too serious about his religion.  He’s older than me and he lives far away.  He always makes me smile, and I love our Skype calls and his bad puns and pet names.  I’m just so confused right now, and I don’t know what I’m doing.  I really like him, but I firmly believe that “a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest.”  I don’t want to do that, Jesus.  I want to listen to Your voice in every area of my life.  I can’t give You my full heart while looking for Your loopholes.  That’s not who I am, and that’s not who You created me to be.

Jesus, You know that all this is just the beginning of my worries right now, just the tip of the iceberg.  I’m just begging for Your help at this point because I fear I’ve lost all direction.  Make me humble, Lord, but at the same time, help me to see the good and beautiful in me so I don’t have to rely on boys for validation of my own worth.  Please stay with me and help me to listen to Your voice among the crowd.  I trust You to lead me home.

Amen.

“That we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ.”